The Facts, And The Stories We Tell About Them

Facts happen.  But in order to know how to feel about the facts, we create “stories” — we decide which of the facts are important, and what the big picture is underlying the facts, and relate that to our own values.  For example, stories might be things like whether we’re a worthwhile person, whether people respect us, whether other people are worth our time or reasonable, and so forth.

We may not think about this much, but I suspect that we are constantly, and often unconsciously, evaluating what happens and creating stories.  I also imagine that these stories greatly influence our feelings, and thus our actions.

It may be that “the facts” by themselves aren’t so important when it comes to determining how we feel, but rather that they gain their power through the stories we tell about them.  This might explain why something that seems minor to one person can cause another person to have an intense emotional reaction.  We probably all have things that we’re especially sensitive about — it may be that we’re telling a “big story” about something that seems little to others.

The stories we tell may often revolve around core issues about who we are and what our place in the world is, and I suspect that these stories play a much bigger role in our everyday life that we might at first think.  For example, I’ve seen (and been a part of) large disagreements over decisions at work.  On the surface there sometimes appears to be a disconnect between the passion with which people argue their opinions, and the seemingly trivial nature of the decisions.  But I imagine that the arguments are often “really about” the stories that people are telling — about things like social status or being able to control their own environment.

I imagine that one powerful way to influence our own and others’ feelings is to understand what the important issues are that people tell stories about, and to address those issues.  Here are some issues (just from personal experience) that seem like they might play a role in the stories we tell.

Yourself

Am I awesome?
How much influence do I have on my environment?

Others

Are they awesome?
Are they secure or insecure?
Are they a leader / creator or more of a follower?
Are they aware or out-of-touch?
Are they reasonable or unreasonable?
How much influence do they have on their environment?
Do they understand non-seriousness and are they up for play?
Are they genuine and authentic?
Are they proactively optimistic about life or more pessimistic?
Do they “make sense”?
Do they bring lots of value (such as being funny, showing me new interesting things)?
Can they handle challenging circumstances, or are they easily flustered?
Can they express their ideas fluently?

Relationships

Do we each think the other is awesome?
Do we like each other?
Do we want good things for each other?
Do we matter to each other?
Are either of us afraid of the other?
Do each of us make our voices heard?
Is the relationship robust (meaning the relationship can withstand a wide range of behavior on both sides, without too many “rules” or high maintenance)?
Do we both understand non-seriousness and are we both up for play?
Do we challenge each other, bring out the best in each other, and inspire each other?
Do we talk about the things that matter?
Do we stick to cultural norms and traditions, or strike out on our own?

Life in General / The Future

Is life in general happy or sad?
Will the future be good or bad?
Can I influence my future, or am I stuck with chance/fate?