Insults And Counter-Insults — Is There A Better Way?

Why is it that when we get insulted, it helps us feel better to insult the other person back?  On the face of it, our counter-insult does nothing to refute whatever negative thing they just said about us.  For example:

James:  Thanks for cutting me off!  You just failed your driving test, genius!
Pierre:  Oh yeah, well I bet you haven’t gotten laid in twenty years!

When we get insulted, it seems like our feelings may be mainly a reaction to two things:

• Feeling like other people may accept the insult as true and view us in a negative light
• Feeling attacked, and that others may now view us as having a lower position in the social hierarchy if we’re unable to defend ourselves

I imagine that giving a counter-insult addresses the second point — we’re defending ourselves, and not letting the other person get away with attacking us.

So attacking the other person back may keep us from looking like we’re lower on the social hierarchy, but it has its own problems.  You end up with an antagonistic relationship, where both of you come across as looking bad.  A better goal might be not just defending yourself, but defending yourself and having fun and maintaining the possibility of having a good relationship with the person who delivered the insult.  But how can you get there?

One way might be to “spin” what the other person said as playful or obviously exaggerated, without attacking them back.  Another is to sincerely call the person out on the attack (often indirectly), without taking offense.  Let’s look at the above scenario again, with some alternatives that Pierre might have used:

James:  Thanks for cutting me off!  You just failed your driving test, genius!
Pierre (Take 2):  Oh yeah?  Well you’re… a doody head!
Comments:  By making an obviously childish comeback, Pierre is spinning James’ insult as childish name-calling, and doing it in a funny way, without attacking James back (since “doody head” is not a serious insult).

James:  Thanks for cutting me off!  You just failed your driving test, genius!
Pierre (Take 3): Sorry, Officer Friendly — I’ll try harder next time!
Comments:  This time Pierre continues James’ comment about failing his driving test, by putting James as the officer giving the test.  This make it fun, without really attacking James back.  He does call James out on being unfriendly by calling him Officer Friendly.

Another example:

Biker:  Get out of the way!  Jesus, look at the traffic light please!
Pedestrian (sincerely):  Um, alright… It’s just a bike ride, dude.
Comments:  Biker didn’t really mean his remarks as a request (to look at the traffic light), since at that point it was too late — he meant it as an insult.  But by acting as if it were a request, and sincerely agreeing with the request, he throws Biker off and makes him look out of control and angry in contrast with Pedestrian’s calm and sincere response.  His sincerity also makes it possible for Biker to give a sincere response.