How To Like People

Sometimes we find ourselves dreading being around people — small talk with co-workers, holidays with the relatives, a birthday party with people we find annoying.  And it’s true that people can sometimes have characteristics which aren’t the most pleasant — bragging, telling boring stories, pressuring us to do things we don’t enjoy, repeating the same tired phrases that are found throughout the culture, being “negative Nancy’s”, or being selfish.

But it’s also true that people sometimes have wonderful characteristics — they can be funny, compassionate, inspiring, helpful, refreshing, intelligent.  And sharing time with others can also be one of the absolutely most rewarding experiences.

So what makes the difference?  Why do we sometimes have wonderful experiences with people, and sometimes terrible experiences?  The first answer that may come to mind is that there are different kinds of people — some people are fun to be around, and others are a drag.  There’s certainly some truth to that — some people are, by nature, more friendly or outgoing or funny than others.

However, I would argue that the times we find others annoying, or boring, or pushy — are precisely those times that we find ourselves unable to successfully deal with their behavior.  In other words, it’s not just how other people act that causes us to have a bad time around them — it’s our own inability to successfully deal with those behaviors.  If we have the skill to deal with others’ behaviors, we don’t mind those behaviors and are free to enjoy ourselves.

For example, let’s say there is someone who is pushy — they are always pressuring you to do things you don’t really want to do, and you end up doing those things, or not doing them and somehow looking like a jerk for not doing them.  This is not a fun situation.  However, if you had the skill to deflect their attempts to pressure you in a way that didn’t make you seem like a jerk at all, then you could be free to enjoy being around that person, without having to do things you didn’t want to do.  In other words, more social skill results in a greater ability to deflect the negative characteristics people sometimes have and a greater ability to enjoy people.

I think the truth about people is neither “they’re mostly boring jerks” or “they’re mostly interesting and fun”.  Rather, (perhaps obviously) I think most people are some of both.  I view people as like piles of objects.  Some of the objects may be broken or unattractive or sharp, but among the objects are almost always to be found bars of pure gold.

I’m convinced that everyone (or almost everyone) has some really wonderful characteristics, however hidden they may be on first acquaintance.  One way to think about dealing with people is to try to handle the unpleasant aspects, and bring out as much of the pure gold that lies within as possible.

To come back to the main point of this post, then.  Q: How can we like people?  A: Get skilled at dealing with them.