Great Relationships: What Makes Them “Great”?

It’s all well and good to talk about trying to have a great relationship.  But what do we mean by “great relationship”?  Everyone probably has their own ideas about this, but since I think everything that matters is ultimately about feelings,

My working definition of a “great relationship” is one in which… you feel great and the other person feels great.

In other words, lots of really good feelings, not so many bad feelings.  This might be simple, but I think it gets at what is really important.  Relationships, like everything else, can be measured by how much they further our goal of just… being happy.  So the next question is of course:

So what kinds of things cause good feelings in relationships?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and based on my own personal experience and what I’ve read, I’ve come up with six ideas — six things that I suspect make a big difference in whether a relationship has a lot of good feelings:

• Lots of High Value, Not Much Low / Negative Value
• Lots of You, Not Much “Not-You”
• Awesomeness
• Awareness
• There’s Something (Good) Going On
• Independence

Lots of High Value, Not Much Low / Negative Value

As obvious as this may sound, one of the aspects of great relationships may be that there are many highly enjoyable (or otherwise important) interactions in the relationship, and relatively few minimally enjoyable or unenjoyable interactions.  This is especially important in conversation — you want lots of things that are valuable or enjoyable, and few things that are neutral or negative in the conversation.

Examples of high value might include:  humor, playfulness, fun, adventure, discussing topics you’re both interested in, being present to what each of you is really thinking or feeling, doing an activity you both enjoy, or being shown something new or a new way to get something you want.

On the other end of the spectrum, examples of low / negative value might be:  a boring story, talk about something you don’t find interesting, an insult, or complaining.

Lots of You, Not Much “Not-You”

We all have our own unique way of looking at the world.  Sometimes we share our real thoughts and feelings with others, but sometimes we choose not to share.  Other times, we not only withhold our own perspective, but actively pretend we have thoughts and feelings that we don’t have.  For example, we might pretend to like something we don’t, or ask questions when we don’t really care about hearing the answers.

I suspect that one of the things that causes good feelings is to have a lot of your real thoughts and feelings “out there” in the relationship, meaning people know what you think, how you’re feeling, and what’s going on in your life.  Similarly, I suspect that putting “not you” out there results in bad feelings (though, say, having to pretend in order to please others or having to talk about something boring).  This means that relationships with more real thoughts and feelings “out there” might result in better feelings than relationships with less of ourselves or more fake thoughts and feelings.

Awesomeness

As I described in a previous post, we’re constantly telling “stories” about what happens to us.  These stories give meaning and value to our experiences, in the sense that they tell us how the things that happen to us fit in to a bigger picture of things we care about.  For example:  Is this job going well or poorly?  Am I popular or unpopular?  Is Sally really my friend or is she just out for herself?  And so on.

Since our stories are interpretations, there is a lot of room for “creativity” on the part of the storyteller (which is each of us).  In other words, we could tell wildly different stories about the same set of experiences.  When coming up with our own stories, I think we have to take into consideration both being true to the facts AND telling the story we want to be true.  And sometimes, the stories we tell have a big influence on what happens.  For example, if I tell the story “Sally and I have a great friendship”, then I may act in such a way that we do indeed become good friends.  On the other hand, if my story is “Sally is jealous of me and I can’t trust her”, then my resulting actions may very well lead to a negative relationship.

Not surprisingly, when our stories are favorable, we tend to feel good, such as “I’m good at my job” or “People like me”.  And when our stories are unfavorable, we tend to feel bad, such as “I’m lousy at my job” or “People hate me”.

Back to “awesomeness”.  One of the things we want very much is, quite simply, to be awesome.  We want to be competent and a good person and skilled and special.  When part of our “story” about ourselves includes being awesome, we feel good.  And importantly, if you can make another person feel that they are awesome, then they will feel great.

This brings me to what I call mutual awesomeness.  Mutual awesomeness is when the “story” you tell is that you and the other person are both awesome.  Being awesome together can be a great feeling.

In contrast, things that aren’t mutual awesomeness include:  low self-esteem (where one person thinks they are crappy even if they think other person is great), derogatory (where one person thinks the other person is crappy), and “mutual crappiness” (where the story is that both of you are losers).

Additionally, it also feels good to think that life in general and our present circumstances are also awesome.  Therefore, the more the story we tell is that things are going well and that the future is bright, the better we feel.

A lot of great feelings can come from being around people that we respect, who make us feel great about ourselves and the future.

Of course, all of this has to be tempered with an awareness and facing of reality, which is dealt with in the next section.  The idea is that you balance portraying things as awesome with being aware of things as they really are.

Awareness

Awareness means that you are in touch with your current situation and with what other people are thinking and feeling.  It feels good to be around someone who “gets it” and understands your perspective.  It’s also nice to be around someone who is aware of things such as their own weaknesses and limitations, whether someone is being serious or joking, and social realities and cultural expectations in general.

There’s Something (Good) Going On

As simple as it sounds, this one means that you treat the relationship as if there is a relationship, and as if the relationship is a good, close one.  And yes, this is another “story”.  For example, let’s say you just met someone new at work.  The next time you see them in the break room, do you say hello, or just go about your business without saying anything?  By acknowledging them, you are making a statement that the two of you do have a relationship.  In contrast, not saying anything sends the opposite signal, that you don’t have much of a relationship.

This carries over to other things as well, such as inviting them to do things or sharing things that are going on in your life.

Independence

As important as it is to have a real sense of there being a relationship, it is also important to have a real sense that the two of you are also independent, in that you retain your own perspective, feelings, opinions, and actions.  I suspect that a fundamental human desire is to both have relationships and retain some sense of independence.  I also think that we like being around others who can act independently.

Being independent means that you can challenge each other, call each other out on inconsistencies, or disagree about things and have that be okay.